This is probably my 100th time attempting to write a proper post. I’ve drafted and deleted, telling myself to be mindful of what I write as I have people I’m close to reading this, people I work with and most of all whatever I write, would then be asked many questions instead of just mere support.
I’d like to think that I’m an optimistic person. Even when the never dying covid-19 outbreak started, I try to look at the positives & silver linings. Well, having lost the love of my life almost 12 years ago, what other shit can be worst than that? And so I thought.
2020 made me see : My cup is half empty.
At the beginning of the year, things were alright even during the Movement Control Order, I had work keeping me occupied. It was emotionally & mentally tiring but I was not unhappy. When the government announced more relaxed rules, I begun my workout routine. Running, cycling, strength training, stretching just to keep that mind off whatever negativity that seem to keep creeping in.
July 2020 was the month I hated the most.
- My mum telling me how she still hates her birthday & July because of my dad’s death anniversary after 12 years. I really wish I could bring my dad back, just so she won’t hate her birthday month that much. This is also to tell you that grieving never ends. You get better at managing it but grief never ends.
- One of my closest friend was diagnosed with 4th stage breast cancer. My heart shattered and it was tough having to juggle work, family & swallowing this news at the same time.
God must have thought that I had a good 2019 and I needed to shed more tears in 2020. I cried so much that I think sometimes my colleagues may have caught me at the wrong timing unknowingly.
Unfortunately, I’m not allowed to let the emotions to just flow cos “adulting”. As much as I advocate to my children that they are allowed to cry when they are sad, show anger when they are just so pissed off, dance when they are happy, laugh til their tummy hurts but I don’t let go myself.
You may call me a hypocrite but I believe I’m just too afraid of being judged, perhaps?
With this natural behaviour of masking my every emotion. I’m myself the most when I’m all alone or with my closest & dearest colleagues and bestfriends. Which was of course something that I didn’t get to do a lot cos parenting, movement control order, stupid stupid Covid-19 (please know that I hate you, Coronavirus.) is not allowing me to travel for work as often (it is my “me” time away from my clingy kids) as how I’m scheduled to year on year.
This is the new norm eh? As much as I’m a person to say.. “SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP!” but what if the new norm is making me unhappy? should I still suck it up and stay unhappy?
2020 made me see: what works for me and what doesn’t.
Even with the whole adjusting to new norm, I’m sure I would be able to find myself again.
In 2021, I really want to make changes for my own. No one is in control of your happiness besides yourself, said my late father & many others who has used it as a quote.
Firstly, to do things that is out of the ordinary because it makes me happy and not because I want others to be happy for me and without the fear of being judged.
I can relate to this quote so well after reflecting how I’ve been reacting to whatever that is thrown my way in 2020. Always putting others well-being first and almost never prioritizing myself. I have been doing things that I don’t like most of the time but because I have to, I just do it. The sub-conscious choice to always put others first has taken a toll on me. It’s about time to consciously change how I react to the things that happens to me.
So I started this year doing something that was left as it was for the last 10years…
It gave me some sense of achievement, although I was asked why I suddenly want to do this. I could only answer.. “Why not?”
Here’s to a healthier (mentally, emotionally, physically) 2021 and I’ll remember to keep this quote in mind: